I now consider myself to have quit officially. But maybe I shouldn't. I am now 0 for 2 at resisting a cigarette whilst drinking. Another thing: I'm planning on heading out tonight and tomorrow night as well. That means, if there are cigarettes available for the next two days, I'll most likely indulge.
However, during the day I don't think about them. It's not as though I look forward to the night so I can drink... so I can smoke. It's not like that at all. I literally have no thought in my head of nicotine. It's just so hard to resist when I'm drinking and the smell of cigarettes floats through the bar doors and makes me realize that I'm missing something from my drunken experience...
We'll see what happens.
Day 6: 0 so far
Total after The Decision: 5 cigarettes
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
A Night Out
I went out to the bar last night. In my hometown there's this bar on main street that starts domestics for $.75 at 9:00 and they add $.25 every hour. Needless to say, by 10:30 I was a little more than tipsy shall we say? I admit that I, in full knowledge (but having no care for) of my actions, bummed three cigarettes. I smoked half of two of them, so I guess it only amounts to smoking two whole cigarettes, but I did want to put it out there that I did bum three.
Anyway, I feel all right about it. For my first night of excessive drinking since I made The Decision, things could have been much worse.
Anyway, I feel all right about it. For my first night of excessive drinking since I made The Decision, things could have been much worse.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
The Other Hand
So yesterday I cracked. I was walking to class and all across campus there were people everywhere with cigarettes. I was surrounded, swamped. When I got to my building, there were people everywhere, the scent of tobacco drifting on the breeze. I sat down out front of the class and battled with myself - should I try to bum one?
When finally I had lost the battle with the nicotine monster, I looked around, trying to find someone who wasn't smoking a menthol. But as I scanned the crowd of students enjoying the sun, I couldn't spot a single cigarette. By the time I had surrendered to the monster on my back, all of the smokers had finished and dispersed.
Feeling simultaneously cheated and saved, I went around to the back of the building where my class was held. Sitting out back in the sun was this guy in my class. I never knew his name, but we talked from time to time in between class. I sat down next to him and he held out a cigarette. "Want one?"
I shook my head but reached for it anyway. He lit it. HEAVEN.
The wonderful rush filled me, and as I felt it, I realized I didn't want it or need it.
When I woke up this morning everything went my way. The sun is shining and there's a slight breeze. I feel like I can smell the spring. What's more is I haven't had a single craving yet. I think, despite my slip up yesterday, that I've actually kicked the damn thing.
Here's hoping!
Day 4: cigarettes 0
When finally I had lost the battle with the nicotine monster, I looked around, trying to find someone who wasn't smoking a menthol. But as I scanned the crowd of students enjoying the sun, I couldn't spot a single cigarette. By the time I had surrendered to the monster on my back, all of the smokers had finished and dispersed.
Feeling simultaneously cheated and saved, I went around to the back of the building where my class was held. Sitting out back in the sun was this guy in my class. I never knew his name, but we talked from time to time in between class. I sat down next to him and he held out a cigarette. "Want one?"
I shook my head but reached for it anyway. He lit it. HEAVEN.
The wonderful rush filled me, and as I felt it, I realized I didn't want it or need it.
When I woke up this morning everything went my way. The sun is shining and there's a slight breeze. I feel like I can smell the spring. What's more is I haven't had a single craving yet. I think, despite my slip up yesterday, that I've actually kicked the damn thing.
Here's hoping!
Day 4: cigarettes 0
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
The 8 o'clock sky
I woke up this morning to the bluest sky I've seen in weeks, and you know what I thought? "It's so freakin blue!" NOT "I should go outside and smoke!" After an awful night of tossing and turning and rearranging this blanket or that pillow, I woke up clear headed and ready to face the day. In about six more hours I'll have officially reached the 48 hour mark. It feels like it's been longer than that, but I guess time slows when you're constantly thinking about a nicotine bump.
And I've been thinking about a nicotine bump. I have a midterm today. Normally I wake up in the morning, have a smoke, then go back inside and do my homework. During my homework I usually take a couple cigarette breaks - what I always liked about them is that they are (almost) a standard measure of time. I knew that if I took a cigarette break I would be able to go outside, get some fresh air for 5-10 minutes, and come right back in and sit down, still focused. Almost any other "break" activity would lead to a distraction, or tangent, and I would forget about my work. I guess that's all a question of mental strength and focus, but honestly it's taken me three and a half years, a blog, and my diminishing health to even get me to earnestly pack away the smokes (pun intended!).
Anyways. The midterm will suck. What will suck even more is the break between my midterm and the class I have half an hour later. Here's why: As a smoker, it's easier to make friends with other smokers in your classes, so pretty much all my friends in my Lit classes are smokers. I know that in the break between two classes that I share with my smoker friends, they'll all trip outside and stand around in a circle and talk about the midterm - and smoke.
I know I don't have to go stand with them or anything. I know that I will have to face temptation one way or another. But I'm really worried I'll crumble. What should I do?
And I've been thinking about a nicotine bump. I have a midterm today. Normally I wake up in the morning, have a smoke, then go back inside and do my homework. During my homework I usually take a couple cigarette breaks - what I always liked about them is that they are (almost) a standard measure of time. I knew that if I took a cigarette break I would be able to go outside, get some fresh air for 5-10 minutes, and come right back in and sit down, still focused. Almost any other "break" activity would lead to a distraction, or tangent, and I would forget about my work. I guess that's all a question of mental strength and focus, but honestly it's taken me three and a half years, a blog, and my diminishing health to even get me to earnestly pack away the smokes (pun intended!).
Anyways. The midterm will suck. What will suck even more is the break between my midterm and the class I have half an hour later. Here's why: As a smoker, it's easier to make friends with other smokers in your classes, so pretty much all my friends in my Lit classes are smokers. I know that in the break between two classes that I share with my smoker friends, they'll all trip outside and stand around in a circle and talk about the midterm - and smoke.
I know I don't have to go stand with them or anything. I know that I will have to face temptation one way or another. But I'm really worried I'll crumble. What should I do?
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
My Record Speaks Against Me
After my psych100 class today I walked the mile or so back to my off-campus house. I don't know about anyone else, but I am very much a creature of habit, and smokers tend to have certain times they just have to light up. Some of these times for me: I had to smoke after I had coffee, most of the time I had to smoke when I was driving, and I had to smoke everyday after my trek home from campus. So when I got to my door today, and didn't light up, my body was devastated. I craved the rush so badly that when I didn't get it, and realized I wouldn't for the rest of my life, I have to admit that I cried just a little.
Since then I've been fighting an internal battle:
:just one!
::no!
:just one drag then!
::no! you're doing so well!
I got in my car and drove out for cigarettes. Thankfully, somewhere along the way the clearheaded part of my brain took over, and instead of coming back with "coffin nails" I came back with some food for dinner.
Day 2: cigarettes 0
Since then I've been fighting an internal battle:
:just one!
::no!
:just one drag then!
::no! you're doing so well!
I got in my car and drove out for cigarettes. Thankfully, somewhere along the way the clearheaded part of my brain took over, and instead of coming back with "coffin nails" I came back with some food for dinner.
Day 2: cigarettes 0
Full Moon Effects
Last night was... scary. I invited my guy friend over ostensibly to "hang out," but for the actual purpose of taking my mind off of cigarettes. It completely worked, too. Just taking my mind off the problem was almost enough to completely banish the first few withdrawal symptoms.
The real problems started when I went to bed. My stomach was growling like crazy because I was really hungry, and there was a slight pain in my abdomen that made me twitch a little every time it flared. After a while my hands and feet began to throb. It just really sucked.
No, absolutely nothing happened. Yes, of course I mean "to sleep" when I say "to bed."
I know I still have the rest of my life to go... but I feel really good about this attempt. In another six hours I will have gone one full day without smoking!
Day 2: 0....so far
The real problems started when I went to bed. My stomach was growling like crazy because I was really hungry, and there was a slight pain in my abdomen that made me twitch a little every time it flared. After a while my hands and feet began to throb. It just really sucked.
No, absolutely nothing happened. Yes, of course I mean "to sleep" when I say "to bed."
I know I still have the rest of my life to go... but I feel really good about this attempt. In another six hours I will have gone one full day without smoking!
Day 2: 0....so far
Monday, March 29, 2010
Smoking Cessation Timeline
Two hours after The Decision and I've already experienced several cravings. I know that I just have to man up and deal with them, sit through them, and not smoke, but I can't think how this is going to end well. I called a friend who lives on the other coast and she said I should look up the Smoking Cessation Timeline. It made me feel way better. It gives you a rundown of what happens after you quit. For example:
20min: blood pressure and pulse rate decrease; temperature of hands and feet rise
8hr: carbon monoxide levels in your blood decrease to normal, allowing your blood oxygen level to increase to normal
24hr: risk of heart attack decreases
48hr: nerve endings start to regrow and your ability to taste and smell is enhanced
etc. etc.
In addition, it gives interesting facts about nicotine, how it works, and how withdrawal symptoms are a direct derivative of the lack thereof. For instance, I always knew that people who quit smoking tend to gain weight. I've heard it attributed to "oral fixation." The real reason? The use of nicotine increases blood glucose(sugar) levels, and when you no longer use it, your body thinks it's still supposed to have that much sugar, and makes you think you're hungry. Cool, right? Well, maybe not.
But whether or not it's cool, this timeline has made me feel a lot better about my progress, knowing that I have these positive things to look forward to, and not just days of cravings, coughing, hunger, and bitchiness.
And hey, I'm already past the first benchmark! Circulation in my hands and feet is already back to normal, and in another six hours I'll have normal O2 levels!
20min: blood pressure and pulse rate decrease; temperature of hands and feet rise
8hr: carbon monoxide levels in your blood decrease to normal, allowing your blood oxygen level to increase to normal
24hr: risk of heart attack decreases
48hr: nerve endings start to regrow and your ability to taste and smell is enhanced
etc. etc.
In addition, it gives interesting facts about nicotine, how it works, and how withdrawal symptoms are a direct derivative of the lack thereof. For instance, I always knew that people who quit smoking tend to gain weight. I've heard it attributed to "oral fixation." The real reason? The use of nicotine increases blood glucose(sugar) levels, and when you no longer use it, your body thinks it's still supposed to have that much sugar, and makes you think you're hungry. Cool, right? Well, maybe not.
But whether or not it's cool, this timeline has made me feel a lot better about my progress, knowing that I have these positive things to look forward to, and not just days of cravings, coughing, hunger, and bitchiness.
And hey, I'm already past the first benchmark! Circulation in my hands and feet is already back to normal, and in another six hours I'll have normal O2 levels!
An Afternoon Free
I was in the middle of my fifth cigarette of the day, coughing intermittently, spitting wads of phlegm out after every other drag, when I made The Decision to Quit.
It didn't take much to start. I was driving with two of my girlfriends down a windy country road in August of '07. The day was warm and the sun was shining through the trees. The top was down on A-'s blue convertible Saab and we were singing along with the radio when I saw something in the passenger side door handle - a pack of cigarettes.
The pack wasn't full by any means. In fact, there was only one cigarette left. I flipped open the top and the white and brown column of tobacco was there, resting diagonally in its container. "It's probably my brother's." A- said. I don't remember the events that followed exactly, but I do remember that all three of us agreed to share the cigarette.
I'm not saying that one third of a Camel light was enough to get me addicted. I didn't have a craving later that day, or later that week. What I did have was a wonderful memory of togetherness, a feeling that cigarettes were happy things. They sent a rush of blood pumping through my body, leaving me light-headed, laughing stupidly. A few of my friends were smokers, and from then on when they took cigarette breaks I would go with them. After that it wasn't long before I bought my first pack. It took me three weeks to smoke it all. They were menthols.
Three and a half years later, I have a chronic cough, adult onset asthma, and a susceptibility to upper respiratory infections in the spring, fall, and winter. Friends had always told me to stop, and I did in the beginning, to prove to them (and myself) that I wasn't "that" addicted. I would quit for a week, or two. And when I had made it through the worst of the cravings and come out the other side, I would start right back up.
So that brings us back to today, with me standing on my back patio in the rain, coughing and spitting and smoking. It's not for anyone else this time. This time, I'm quitting for me, and for real.
Day 1: 5 cigarettes
It didn't take much to start. I was driving with two of my girlfriends down a windy country road in August of '07. The day was warm and the sun was shining through the trees. The top was down on A-'s blue convertible Saab and we were singing along with the radio when I saw something in the passenger side door handle - a pack of cigarettes.
The pack wasn't full by any means. In fact, there was only one cigarette left. I flipped open the top and the white and brown column of tobacco was there, resting diagonally in its container. "It's probably my brother's." A- said. I don't remember the events that followed exactly, but I do remember that all three of us agreed to share the cigarette.
I'm not saying that one third of a Camel light was enough to get me addicted. I didn't have a craving later that day, or later that week. What I did have was a wonderful memory of togetherness, a feeling that cigarettes were happy things. They sent a rush of blood pumping through my body, leaving me light-headed, laughing stupidly. A few of my friends were smokers, and from then on when they took cigarette breaks I would go with them. After that it wasn't long before I bought my first pack. It took me three weeks to smoke it all. They were menthols.
Three and a half years later, I have a chronic cough, adult onset asthma, and a susceptibility to upper respiratory infections in the spring, fall, and winter. Friends had always told me to stop, and I did in the beginning, to prove to them (and myself) that I wasn't "that" addicted. I would quit for a week, or two. And when I had made it through the worst of the cravings and come out the other side, I would start right back up.
So that brings us back to today, with me standing on my back patio in the rain, coughing and spitting and smoking. It's not for anyone else this time. This time, I'm quitting for me, and for real.
Day 1: 5 cigarettes
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